To the little boy that stole my heart and calls me “mom”.
Today is not about how much I love you … you are already aware of my love for you. I am not going to share with you my expectations of the kind of man I wish you to be one day.
Today, I wish you a happy 5th birthday, yes it is the day you were born. However, it was also on this day that a mother was born. I don’t think this day will ever be forgotten from my memory. The moments after you arrived and were no longer apart of me up until I was able to hold you were heart-wrenching. But finally, that feeling when a mother holds her baby for the first time is indescribable. A moment in time that can only be felt in the experience.
Yes, that first week of healing for me was difficult but my only focus and concern was you. Visiting you, seeing you, holding you, feeding you as your tiny body grew stronger in the NICU. My happiest and scariest moment was hearing I could finally bring you home after that first week. Scared because I would be entrusted in caring for you and keeping you safe. But I was also ready for this new challenge of motherhood. I thought I was prepared mentally, I was not, I learned so much about myself as I eased into this new role of being your mother.
Our first years together were a mix of emotions that I found myself having to navigate while being the best mother to you. I questioned every decision that I made involving you and without knowing it I allowed others to cloud my thoughts. Through your eyes, I saw how much I needed to find my way out of that fog.
And, just when we were getting used being mother and son, your little sister arrived. My attention was now going to be divided. How could I love another tiny human as much as I love you? I can only imagine how you were feeling, having to share your mommy, but you surprised me. Actually, you handled the transition way better than I did, you loved and wanted to protect your little sister from the moment you laid eyes on her.
Not like most kids your age, you walk around like you have an old soul, all-wise and knowing. But your silly side is what keeps me laughing and cheers me up. I see how sensitive you are about your circle of friends and how much you want to be liked. Don’t worry my charming little boy — you are loved, unfortunately not everyone will LIKE your infectious energy. Always remember though that is the energy that makes you unique. I love that you want to be a Pundit when you grow up and how much you love being a Hindu. How your little mind comes ups with these ideas, how you create and build them; bringing them to life. I enjoy all our arts & crafts projects, and I wish I could keep them all.
I am sorry about yelling, I am sorry that I lose my patience a little too often. However, I do wish you would be less clingy and more self-reliant, at times. I wish you wouldn’t retaliate during your tantrums and say you wanted “mama” as your mom instead. (I know how much you love her too.) But it hurts, and I already doubt myself as your mom. I am also aware that you are still only a little boy barely five years old.
I see the changes in you, I see that you are growing up. I also see that you are maturing how much you are becoming more independent in some ways. And I almost don’t want it to happen. I still want to give you cuddles and douse you with kisses. I like that you still ask me to sit with you when watching your favorite television show. But I also love watching you learn about your world and your place in.
You are a special little boy. You hold a very special place in my heart. You are one of a kind. Best of all you are mine, you are daddy’s boy and you are sister’s big brother. You mean the world to everyone in our family.
I am so grateful that when the time did come for a mother to be born that you choose me to be your mother.
Happy 5th Birthday son!
Love,
Mom
